Friday, December 30, 2005

The War on New Years

So after all the hoopla over the War on Christmas, it is left to yours truly to take up arms against the secular heathanism associated with New Years. Have we forgotten that this is the 2,006th year after the birth of our savior? Have we forgotten that our twelve-month scheme is the "Christian Calendar"? But where are our Bill O'Reillies now? Where have you gone, oh Snowdens of Yesterday?

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Why I'm the Perfect Loyal Nominee

Remember Mike Luttig? You know, the guy who was the alleged "front-runner" for the Supreme Court vacancy, whom I passed by because GWB's advisors feared he was too conservative to win confirmation?

Well he just ruled against the president in the Padilla case. Apparently he thinks there are limits to the power of the CHIEF EXECUTIVE to imprison people.

Maybe he's just bitter he didn't get the nod, but maybe he really is a traitor. Don't worry George, when I take the bench, I promise a blank check -- Luttig will be the first one thrown in "the Hole."

Death, death, row your boat

Some people don't have any sense of morality or justice. A typical pack of California Nitwits has asked that a man who ordered executions from his prison cell shouldn't be executed simply because he is 76 years old, blind, and crippled.

My take on the matter is that it would be a mercy killing. Kick it upstairs, California, I'll be ready to pull the switch from seat #7 myself.

Friday, December 23, 2005

That's Not Even News

So in the search for filling columns on the Friday Before Christmas, with no subway strike to rant about, the newspapers are once again talking about twenty year-old memos in which I said I wanted to overturn Roe v. Wade.

You already knew this. You can't claim it's news. Did anyone really not get the memo?

After all, if you don't believe it when my mom says it, when can you believe it?

Can't wait to have the right plaintiff to overturn this case, by the way. I want to right the decision in Rove v. Roe v. Wade.

UPDATE: "News" that I have made arguments in favor of limitless government wiretaps is only being made hooey of now because of unrelated news events. No one made a fuss when I bragged about it in my senate questionnaire in November. This is why I can't wait to be above the law and outside the news cycle.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Walking in the Cold

Everyone please stop complaining thhat I have not been posting often enough. I have gone home for Christmas (not the holidays) and am spending time with my family, including my son, who even Wonkette thinks is hot.

I don't really care about secret wiretaps, or presidential speeches, or any of these so-called "scandals." But I really feel for the people of New York, having to walk to work, just like their mayor once did. Back when we had the real constitution in place (the one that's now in Exile), it was perrfectly legal to just line up the strikers and have them all shot.

I look forward to restoring that power to the state, so everyone can get to work on time and stay productive.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

I don't even own Merck!

But even if I did, it in no way would have affected my decision today stating that it was not liable for the fact that a wholly owned subsidiary falsely reported income in an effort to jack up the stock price.

Okay, okay, they only reported false income because they were frankly idiots. They were not in fact smart enough to do it in order to make the stock price rise.

Another Bunch of Hypocrites

So an activist law center has claimed that I "restrict Congress's power" and therefore am not supportive of people with disabilities. As a result, another pack of rabble rousers has joined the noisy ranks of people who are desperately trying to make anyone care about my nomination one way or the other.

Above, someone who cares.

I'm confused. Aren't the lefties the ones that want me to restrict Congress? Isn't Congress made up of Tom DeLay, Bill Frist, and the other alleged villains? It makes my head hurt.

I'm It?

So someone who isn't really Kierkegaard has "tagged" me, involving me, totally against my will, in some sort of game of internet capture-the-flag. I am apparently required to now state five "weird habits" about myself, and then "tag" five other people. Since I like to follow rules, I'm going to obey, but since I'm an important and powerful person, I'm not going to obey too much. So some things for my list:

1) I have no "weird" habits. My understanding of the word "weird" is traditional, and connected intimately with the weird sisters. I practice no witchcraft.

2) People think I have ruled a lot about abortion, but the truth of the matter is I have not. Most of my so-called "abortion cases" are actually employment cases or immigration cases, where I allowed asylum for Chinese women who would otherwise have been subject to state-mandated aboritons.

3) I'm still casting about for an OYEZ BASEBALL player for my seat on the court. Feel free to comment or email suggestions.

Okay, now I'm off to tag Rosemary, Ollie, and of course Patrick J. Fitzgerald.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Run for Your Life

Since I only read the Daily News, I just today was reminded of the memo uncovered last week in which I argued that the police were justified in killing an unarmed, fleeing, fifteen-year-old boy.

As I write in the memo, "any fleeing felon rule . . . must be simple enough for an officer to apply in a split second and at a moment of great stress."

If he runs, boy, shoot him! clearly meets this standard. And it would have prevented the travesty shown above as well.

Friday, December 09, 2005

The Curse of Celebrity

Now that I'm a famous person, my wife says she needs to take up the latest ladies exercise fad, gyrotonic.

As an old-school traditionalist, I can't understand why carrying the groceries in from the car can't be enough exercise for that woman.

I think my daughter has put her up to it. According to her, "Pilates is totally passee."

So another chunk of my $2.12 million is going to have to be wasted on this. Makes me wish I'd given her permission to have that abortion.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

But it IS my America

I understand if people don't like me, or mock my blog, or whatever, but leave it to the hard-core lefties to actually try to kick me out of the country.

These folks have gotten it into their head that "my" America is "Not Our America." So I guess they want me to leave. I am going to be big-hearted and let them know that I will let almost anyone live in "my" America, so long as they keep their wine glasses on coasters.

In any event, you can go check them out if you want to see middling animation that will convince plenty of undergraduates that I am the Devil Incarnate.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Wait 'Till Next Year

So I had to learn from Fitz that I'm not on the short list for the "Person" of the Year award.

Not that I mind. I won't start leaving my mark until February at the earliest.

But I've started a campaign -- just as we waited every winter in my youth for the Brooklyn Dodgers' next year, and how I must wait again now that my Phillies have lost Billy Wagner, I will bide my time.

And I will be ready.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005


Unlike some Supreme Court Justices, I am hereby not out to Steal Christmas. Even the evildoers at the New York Times admit that I support wrapping your schools and courthouses in Wreaths, Creches, and Crosses more than your average judge.

This "Holiday Season," some of my friends at the Committee for Justice have made an ad telling everyone how much I love Christmas. (I have to admit, they are a little late in voicing their support).

I furthermore admit to no lower boundary when evaluating Religious displays. So long as God is included, I will find anything, even the living Nativity at the Radio City Christmas Spectacular or the Holy Mother Grilled Cheese Sandwich, protected by the full force of the law of the land.

So Ruled.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

A Done Deal

Despite allegations that my confirmation hearings won't be held for a week, the people at Oyez (the "Supreme Court Multimedia Site") have already created my page.

No word yet on whether they have picked a player for me yet for Oyez Baseball. To vote for my player, be sure to email me.

I personally vote for Barry Bonds, because I too am on The Juice.

Friday, December 02, 2005

Here's to all of my Friends

Since Friday is a slow news day, I thought I'd take a moment to give a shout out to some of my supporters and friends (since my bestest friend, Article III Groupie, still seems to be stuck in that CIA detention center in Roumania).

One Woman has had her own unpleasant experience with upsetting the wrong people online, and I. M. Kierkegaard has many wise things to say (though he is not, I recently learned, Kierkegaard).

Of course my many true friends remain delightful, including Patrick Fitzgerald, Half Sigma, and Ollie.