Monday, January 30, 2006

Dear Pathetic Mortals

Now that I am invested with unlimited lifetime power ("good behaviour" my ass) I am not sure how best to communicate with my public.

I am glad you have all visited, from the moment when I was afraid my name was merely being floated, through my early antics, and on to my current throne.

But I no longer need you.

From now on I will do and say exactly as I damned well please. I may write the occasional Alito Sez after a ruling, and I may not. I may answer your emails and comments, and I may not.

I am now, truly, for the first time in my life, MY OWN MAN.

Let's just see what kind of man that is.

Rhymes with "Souter"

Well, as it turns out, you have to have a pretty strong accent to make "cloture" rhyme with the name of the famed Benedictine (Arnold, that is) from the Granite State. But I'm feeling generous today.

Between the New York Times already interviewing the little people who made it all possible (and to whom, as of tomorrow, I owe absolutely nothing) and the man who once could have been my clerk stooping to discuss the sexual appeal of congressional staffers, the news surrounding my inevitable elevation to ultimate power has become cheap and tawdry.

I am quickly compiling a list of who I would like killed once I start to warm my seat. More forthcoming.

Friday, January 27, 2006

The Nerve!

Yesterday, my dastardly enemy, the dread John Kerry, announced that he and Ted Kennedy are supporting my nemesis, a certain Phil E. Buster.

I suppose I should be quaking in my boots, but I think my hero Jon Kyl is going to be able to bail me out of this one.

Plus, I know his real plan:

Try the filibuster, let the Republicans invoke the nuclear option. Then, after I'm confirmed and I make a series of unpopular rulings, he can run in 2008 as the only man who tried to stop me.

Plus he'll be able to reap the rewards of the "Theory of the Unitary Executive."

A plan so crazy, it just might work.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

How Did We Get Here?

As I prepare for my elevation, I am growing nostalgic.

Many have written this site and asked how it is, exactly, that Supreme Court nominations have become so political?

How is it that a process never before tainted by politics has become an opportunity for the Senate to carp and scheme over a nominees political and personal views?

Tomorrow, in what may be my farewell to blogging (at least as a "nominee"), I will write about the fateful day on which the Senate decided it could take political views of a nominee into account.

It was December 15, 1795. Many members of the senate, along with the president at the time (three guesses!) and the nominee himself were all members of the Continental Congress.

So to those of you who shout insufferable drivel such as "the founding fathers would never have approved of political criteria for confirmations" or "this was brought on by the Democrats' treatment of Robert Bork," please, please, go read a high school history textbook or something.

That's all for now.

I may look happy

But inside I'm steaming. Truth be told I hate these people almost more than I hate the Democrats, who while lilly-livered, at least made an effort. Now that I've had breakfast with them, I can confirm that McConnell is just your typical shitkicker from Tuscumbia, while Frist is a mean-spirited prick who spent his life cutting open hearts because he didn't have one himself.

Plus he wore a blue tie to a Republican breakfast. Jackass.

My favorite moment of the week was Arlen Spector holding up the anti-Souter protest sign: "STOP SOUTER or WOMEN will DIE" it read. I got a gas out of that. My supporters' best strategy is to say that maybe they are wrong about me too. Don't bet on it.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006


No, no, not anxiety over whether or not I'll get confirmed. Since my henchmen hold a majority, and the last group of people who could call in Phil E. Buster have given up, my elevation is a done deal.

Which leaves me anxious about what to do with this blog.

I know I'm not the first Supreme Court nominee to have a blog. But aside from a one-post blog started last year by Clarence, no sitting justice has a blog.

What will I do once I'm on the court? Continue with Alito Sez and explain my decisions to the internet? Describe how all the other justices dress at our exclusive parties?

And most important, who will be my Oyez Baseball player?

Answers, I need answers.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

I've got your back, Mel

Apparently Mel Gibson is having some sort of legal trouble. He's being sued because he's running a blog.

And who's filing this spurious lawsuit? MEL GIBSON HIMSELF.

Don't worry Mel. While in general I don't like sending signals on how I'm going to rule, when this case comes before The Court, you've got a friend in Sam.

. . . and I'm sittin' here on capitol hill

I remember when Phil used to listen to that inane song as a child, and just after the Bill comes out of committee it jumps in the air, because it knows that getting out of committee is the hardest step.

Well my hardest step couldn’t have gone better if it was scripted by ABC.

Now all we need to do is get rid of that evil interloper Phil E. Buster.

Coming Out Today

My despicable enemies shouldn’t get their hopes up. It’s not that kind of coming out. Today I’m coming out of committee along a "strict party-line vote." Senators don’t understand fun if even their party lines are strict.

In other news, my soon-to-be colleagues finally got one right. They threw out a case against Motorola brought by surviving relatives and widows of firefighters who died on 9/11 because of faulty Motorola radios.

Grieving widows: But SCOTUS, the firemen’s walkie-talkies don’t work.
US: Let them eat BlackBerries.

Monday, January 23, 2006


Forget the intemperate editorial lambasting me today in the "paper of record." Forget the implications of my elevation on the senate races in New Jersey and Pennsylvania, where Robert Casey Jr. (yes, that Casey) is running to unseat Rick Santorum.

The court bungled big-time today. They refused to hear BlackBerry's appeal of the outrageous decision levied against it by some petulant lower court.

I know I'm not the only one out there that uses this invaluable device to chat with friends, send email, or liveblog during boring meetings. If BlackBerry is shut off, we will all have to go back to work, and that would be a terrible thing indeed.

Friday, January 20, 2006

Drinking In the Daytime

I am moping about the fact that even when I am confirmed (as I am sure to be) I will not in fact be all-powerful. I would not, for example, have changed the outcome of the assisted suicide case, which was decided 6-3. Maybe my elevation is just going to make that Anthony Kennedy all the more liberal.

Speaking of Kennedy's, Ted has made clear he's going to vote against me. Big whup. Guess whose side I'm going to take in your upcoming paternity suit, Ted?

And to top it all off, my solicitations for one of the six one-day guest editing spots over at some other blog have apparently fallen on deaf ears. After all I did for that guy, too.

Bottoms up.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Let's think a moment about Gerald

Gerald Ford is 92, and has been hospitalized. Let's all, whatever our disagreements, pause a moment and think of this man. Even though I drive a Honda, I will always have a high regard for what Mr. Ford did for American Industry.

Also, you may want to consider his influence over the Supreme Court. Ford, a republican, was allowed to replace this "liberal firebrand"(fond of saying he was willing to bend the law in order to conform to his beliefs) with a "moderately conservative Republican."

UPDATE: Apparently, my blog has a blog! I wish I'd known sooner. I think it's on livejournal or some other fancy hosting service.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

I don't much watch TV

As you know, I prefer live theatre. But last night I just had to tune in. The movie that raked in all those awards made me think of Jon Kyl and how sweet he was to me last week.

Plus he's from the rugged western state of Arizona, where men are men and wear cool hats like the one I wore when I visited him last.

Monday, January 16, 2006

A New Day

The weather was poor for golf in DC this weekend, so I had to scrap my tee time. Instead I watched my favorite player in his comeback in Honolulu. Next best thing.

I'm all ready to go have more hearings this morning, after the rave reviews I got last week, but apparently the PC-police in the US Senate have other plans.

So I just sit here at the hotel, twiddling my thumbs. Anyone have a suggestion of what to do in this town?

Friday, January 13, 2006


Looks like we finished early, so tomorrow's plan is back on track. The bad guys are going to try and pull some last-minute tricks (I hear TJ Colatrella is on the newly-circulated witness list). But everything else seems in place for my ascention to unfettered power.

See you all Monday. Until then, play the course as you find it, and the ball where it lies.

Does this man strike fear in your heart?

One of my commentors suggests that a man named Erwin, who teaches at a school known for nothing much more than basketball, should have me worried about my elevation. Guess what? I'm not.

Now we have a couple of members of congress (who owe their elections to gerrymandered districts I would like to abolish) testifying against me. Conflict of interest, anyone?

this message sent via BlackBerry handheld at 12:09 pm

Who are these people?

Does anyone care who these people are?

My understanding is that, while Ronald Sullivan does in fact teach at Yale, he prefers Pepe's to Sally's, which disqualifies him from any authoritative decisionmaking process.

Kate Michaelman has a point. I should reconsider my abortion position in her case. Having this woman for a mother would be a fate worse than death.

this message sent via BlackBerry handheld at 11:29 am

The Warrin' Court

Now we get the activists. The lawyer from Alabama: Warren Court appropriations decisions "decided that the Supreme Court has the power to ensure that voting rights are protected." That's correct. The Supreme Court has ultimate power. In your case, however, I simply will choose not to use it.

this message sent via BlackBerry handheld at 10:41 am

Memorial Service

The senate has adjourned for a memorial service.

While you're out, feel free to shed a tear for the passing of legalized abortion, guaranteed representation, and prohibitions on torture.

this message sent via BlackBerry handheld at 10:22 am

I'm going to watch this morning

Had a great sleep, the power of the one true ring filling my dreams, and now I get to watch the parade of law professors.

Folks, everyone in this country hates lawyers. They hate professors. So imagine what they think of law professors.

Do your best, folks. I'm wearing my body armor.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

My Precious

So after two days of questioning, not a bowl of black bean soup to be found, and an afternoon visit to the only being in DC more famous than me, and it all appears over but the shouting.

I go to sleep tonight with thoughts of unlimited lifetime power in my head.

Good night, ladies, good night, sweet ladies, good night, good night.

Time for a Walk

Well, I'm still concerned about Maureen, but I have reached her and have to take her at her word that her blog is a "just in case" measure.

I get to have a little time off while the parade of old white men testify on my behalf. I asked what I should do in this town, and everyone gave me the same answer.

So, just like Vince Young saying he was going to Disneyland, I am compelled to say, on my way out of the hearing room, "Butterstick, here I come."

UPDATE: Heard the mention of my special coffee on the way out the building. Love that coffee. It's done wonders for my hair.

this message posted by BlackBerry handheld at 3:36 pm


So no sooner have I finished my testimony, thinking I get to kick back all day (after my visit to wardrobe) and I discover that there is a foul plot afoot.

As you all surely know, the number one stepping stone to the court is to sit on the Advisory Committee on Appellate Rules (I am the outgoing chair, John Roberts was a ranking member). If you take a moment to scan the current membership, you will find only one other name that has been bandied about as a SCOTUS nominee:

The Dread Maureen E. Mahoney.

I thought nothing of this until I noticed that Ms. Mahoney has started her own blog, where she is conducting a "shadow campaign" to replace me!

Let the ABA people rattle on, I have to get cracking on my "Stop Maureen" campaign.

Dick Durbin Again


I know I don't rule in favor of immigrants as often as you like. But if it turns out the reason that they want to come to the US is that they are an evangelical Christian who wants to avoid a "one-child" policy so that they can come forth and multiply, I give them the green light. So don't call me heartless; look at the record.

Schumer Again

Him: Please please please tell me how you would rule.

Me: No.

Him: Pretty please?

Me: Hmmmm. No.

Him: Can Orrin Hatch make Arnold Schwarzenegger president?

Me: No. Only the Supreme Court gets to decide who is president.

this message sent via BlackBerry handheld at 12:18 pm

Cruise Control

1) Grassley rants about his pet case. I nod, thinking "just because it brought 12$ billion into the treasury doesn't mean it's a good law."

2) Grassley and Specter joke about getting mistaken for each other while indicting the AG for contempt and eviscerating Anita Hill. Frankly I thought that was pretty funny too.

this message sent via BlackBerry handheld at 11:31 am

Rolling my eyes at Diane again

Guess what? I actually know what "plenary" means. I'm a federal judge, not some graduate of a Junior University.

I'm sorry I wasn't paying attention about FISA. I was still thinking about the Kelo case and thought you were saying "Pfizer."

Let me make this clear once more: You can pass laws restricting what the president can do. I can then tell you to go pound sand up your ass. Do you understand yet?

this message sent via BlackBerry handheld at 11:20 am

Grassley Reserves his time

And Specter tells me that when senators are not in the room, I can be absolutely certain that they are "out serving constituents."

Oh yes. Absolutely certain.

this message sent via BlackBerry handheld at 10:29 am

"For he, like you, is an honest man."

Is Orrin Hatch turning into a Shakespeare scholar all of a sudden? I know they do a lot of plays out there in Utah, but didn't know that you still had the stamina to see them.

I'm more of a Rogers & Hammerstein judge myself.

this message sent via BlackBerry hadheld at 10:06 am

What does "can" mean?

Senators Leahy and Kennedy have made some fundamental mistakes, and I'm going to try to correct them both:

1) Leahy: "Can the congress pass a law taking jurisdiction over first amendment issues away from the Supreme Court?" The real answer is, "Sure it can. And the Supreme Court can rule such a law (or any law you jackasses pass) unconstitutional."

2) Kennedy: "Can the congress pass laws that prevent the president from firing members of the executive branch?" Answer: ditto.

Basically, once I'm on the court, I am MUCH MUCH more powerful than you are. Each of you makes up 1% of the people that pass laws, and I make up over 11% of the people that can slap you silly for passing dumb ones.

Oh, please, PLEASE keep talking about Vanguard. I can answer this in my sleep now.

this message sent via BlackBerry handheld at 9:41 am

Library of Congress

The word is out that the people at the Library of Congress are having a hard time finding all the CAP papers.

While they're over there, they may want to check out their "collection of Internet materials relating to the Supreme Court" to enter into the record.

this message sent via BlackBerry handheld at 9:32 am


I'd prefer you all stop asking me to blog about Martha-Ann and the crying yesterday. I'm not going to blog about it, because it's her personal life.

For those of you wondering, she had a gyrotonic session yesterday after the hearings and she's feeling great.

Now I'm looking forward to more time with the Scientonlogist from Vermont.

this message sent via BlackBerry handheld at 9:02 am

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

That's All for Tonight

See you all tomorrow morning. I'm off to dinner. Feasting on the compliments of Republicans all day has still left me hungry. I can't imagine that Durbin and Schumer are going to ask me in their next 15 minutes anything that they couldn't come up with during their first 50.

Tomorrow during the morning break -- a meeting with wardrobe (I'm a 44 long).

Senator Specter Said "Ambit"

As I've posted before, it's one of my favorite words.

I'm so glad to get out of here.

Dinner tonight: Ethiopian food. They tell me I'm not supposed to use my left hand.

this message sent via Black Berry handheld at 6:33 pm

Senator Coburn and Abortion

Tom -- you know and I know that I oppose abortion. You know I want to overturn Roe, and everything I have said about "stare decisis" has left me room to do so. But for the love of God, don't try to get me to say it. Okay? You're hurting your own side here.

this message was sent via BlackBerry handheld at 6:24 pm

Saturday Session ?!?

Specter just mentioned a Saturday Session. I was promised 18 holes at Bull Run (hey, I'm just a Jersey guy, I play public courses).

You might wonder why I was smiling when I came back in with my son. He told me during the break that the Phillies had signed Tom Gordon. Sweet.

this message sent via BlackBerry handheld at 5:56 pm

John Cornyn

He's a nice enough guy, but he has the biggest, shiniest forehead I have ever seen. I am looking at my reflection in it, and somewhat lost in the image.

I know I have a fairly big, shiny forehead, but this guy is outrageous.

this message sent via BlackBerry handheld at 5:41 pm

When is Dinner?

I'll admit it. Feingold and Schumer got to me a little. I get testy when people point out the ongoing CAP controversy. No one has suggested a player for me for Oyez Baseball. This kind of thing makes a judge feel cranky (and hungry to boot -- lunch was better than yesterday, but far from satisfying).

I fell like going and eating some of those creatures that Stephen Dujack has such sympathy for.

Plus I don't like the whole "he hasn't answered questions" things. I've given answers; it's not my fault if they don't have any information in them.

this message sent via BlackBerry handheld at 5:32 pm

Why are they letting the girl talk?

Diane Feinstein asks me whether I meant it when I said that stare decisis is not the be-all and end-all. Like I'd even want to be a judge if I couldn't eventually exercise ABSOLUTE POWER.

Can I also say for the record that I'm really beginning to hate John Roberts? Everyone is saying how great his hearings were, how they weren't even boring, and even the democrats like him. I really don't look forward to bringing him coffee until John Paul Stevens dies.

this message sent via BlackBerry handheld at 3:21 pm

Even I am bored to tears by this

3-M? Bundled Discounts? I agree that this was "a tough one," but not as tough as talking about it. Doesn't anyone want to ask me anything else about Vanguard? CAP? Abortion? Torture?

Doesn't this device have Tetris on it or something? Phil? Can you come explain it to me?

this message sent via BlackBerry handheld at 3:02 pm

Jon Kyl makes me swoon (again)


When I ascend to the court and we outlaw homosexuality together, let's keep a little loophole in the law for you and me, okay?


this message posted via BlackBerry handheld at 2:28 pm

Joe Biden Again

Talking about "real-world consequences." Joe, if I cared about the real world, I would have become a tax attorney.

If a woman is worried that she can't take time off to be pregnant (and barefoot), then heck she can go ahead an have an abortion. (as long as she meets the various requirements we slowly impose upon her).

As for CAP, the real world is that my kids, top-notch swimmer and sweet guy that they are, are kind of dumb (have you noticed MY OWN DAUGHTER yawning behind me?). I don't care if Princeton lets in more women, fewer women, blacks, latinos, whoever. CAP was also interested in admitting a higher percentage of alumni children, and if they had succeeded, maybe my son wouldn't have to go to UVA (and he'd even have his own BlackBerry).

this message sent via BlackBerry handheld at 2:11 pm

Ted Kennedy Again


Here's the news on the Vanguard thing. I lied. Okay? I lied.

Public Figures Lie. You should know that. Choke on it.

this message sent via BlackBerry at 12:20 pm

Patrick Leahy

Senator Leahy, here's what I really wanted to say.

Yes, it's true that previous Supreme Court Justices have ruled that the president does not have complete and total control over the executive branch, and can't do things like remove independent prosecutors who are investigating him or his friends. That means, I guess, that it's "settled law." But Supreme Court Justices can overturn settled law -- that's what makes them so powerful (see Stare Decisis)

I also ruled that people who merely fish in and drink from a river cannot sue because a company has willfully polluted the river. ONLY THE RIVER has standing to sue.

Also, I have discovered that you are a Scientologist. Figures.

this message sent via BlackBerry handheld at 12:01 pm

Thanks, Arlen

Thanks Senator Specter, for spending twenty minutes on a question no one in their right mind cares about, televisions in the Supreme Court.

For the record to my loyal listeners, I watched the tape yesterday, and think I look pretty good on television.

A televised court would allow for my favorite television character to join us on the bench. That would mean we'd truly have a Justice League.

this message sent via BlackBerry handheld at 11:30 am

Round One - ME

So Brownback pats me on the back (not to mention Brownosing me) and Coburn thanks me, which wraps up round one. And even though I'm boring, I think I killed them.

Now I have to get ready for round two. But since their best shot didn't land, I'm not worried.

I'll spend the afternoon daydreaming about who my player will be in Oyez Baseball. As always, suggestions are welcome.

this message sent via BlackBerry Handheld at 11:09 am

Senator Durbin Really is a . . .


Okay, so I ruled against someone because he had a lousy lawyer. That's the way it goes, sometimes, bub.

Then, as I said yesterday, that "mine" was not a "mine."

So there.

this message sent via BlackBerry handheld at 9:58 am


As it turns out, Signatures isn't open for breakfast, so we had to make do with the next best thing. It was really fun to see all the people in the restaurant pointing and staring at me, but I refrained from giving any autographs. I'm supposed to go back into the room now. I'm bringing the handheld. We get to finish the softie half-hour questions, and then on to the 20-minute rounds (which means I only have to talk for about three minutes instead of four).

this message sent via BlackBerry handheld at 8:35 am

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

That was some dinner

So no one told me where I could get black bean soup, so I had to make do with steak. It was pretty good, but back in my AUSA days we used to tell the womenfolk we were working late, drive into the city, and put back a porterhouse here, and the fact that they have tablecloths in DC doesn't mean that I think it's better down here.

So it appears that whether or not you thought I did well today depends on who you are. Since I am, after all, ME, I think I did "splendidly, with admirable humility."

I'll be back tomorrow morning with a full stomach. Hear me roar.

UPDATE: Apparently, the sophisticates over at Slate have concluded that I'm in trouble because I'm A) boring and B) not as funny as advertised. What they don't know is that I have been very calculating in hiding my humor in the hearing room. I have saved my best bits for those of you who can find me here.

A quick break

My son has asked for permission to use the BlackBerry to IM his friends at UVA for the rest of today, so I'm going to have to face the Senators after the break without blogging.

You can look forward to the real hard-core folks coming up after the break and giving me nothing but love. Anyone who has a dinner recommendation (somewhere where the black bean soup actually has black beans in it, preferably) please email me at Maybe I'll see you there.

- Sam

this message sent via BlackBerry handheld at 4:43 pm

My First Real Joke

My first real joke: The president doesn't have the right to cut my salary.

"And neither does the congress." [LAUGHTER]

Makes that lunch seem almost palatable.

this message sent via BlackBerry handheld at 4:29 pm

Rybar and Machine Guns

Be very clear in what I'm saying.

I have the greatest respect for Findings.

Feinstein herself I have no use for.

I wouldn't mind having a machine gun right now. Where is Russel Weston when you need him?

this message sent via BlackBerry handheld at 3:43 pm

A Terrible Lunch

Well, the day is going just fine, but lunch was a terrible disappointment. I went to go have black bean soup, and there wasn't a single black bean in it. As this eminent bookseller noted, the senate's famous black bean soup is actually made with navy beans. And I'm an army man myself.

Now I have to go through the whole afternoon with a stomachache.

this message sent via BlackBerry handheld at 2:46 pm

Jon Kyl

Like I said before, he's my new boyfriend. Wonderful softball questions over the plate. Asks me why I want to serve on the court, but is sure to warn me not to call it an intellectual feast.

Speaking of feasts, I'm getting pretty hungry, so as soon as Jon lets me out of this embrace, I'm going to go get a bowl of that famous black bean soup.

this message sent via BlackBerry handheld at 12:59 pm

Jury Trials

What is it with first Kennedy and now Biden talking about how awful it is that I prevented cases from being heard by a jury? Don't they know what happens at jury trials?

UPDATE: Biden is harping the employment law history. For my previous thoughts on employment cases, please see this post. He quoted my line "sheer personal antipathy," which kind of matches what I feel right now.

this message sent via BlackBerry handheld at 12:35 pm


God I hope he didn't see me thumb-typing away. I'd hate to have him think I'm not paying attention.

Giving another boilerplate answer while I type.

this message sent via BlackBerry handheld at 12:23 pm


Is holding up a chart that says "Samuel Alito: Man of Integrity." And he isn't making me answer any questions.

Thanks Senator Grassley. I'm sorry about what I said yesterday.

UPDATE: That is some cough though. You really may want to have someone look at it.

this message sent via BlackBerry handheld at 11:56 am

The Theory of the Unitary Executive

Like Ted says, it's true, I believe in this theory. It states, basically, that the president is in charge of the executive branch of government. You know, like they teach you in fourth-grade civics.

But after all, I guess, it's only a theory.

this message sent via BlackBerry handheld at 11:48 am

What I'm really thinking when Ted Kennedy talks

1) This whole kerfuffle over the US Marshalls. If we didn't let them act as they please, it would be far less entertaining.

2) Executive Power. I guess there are some instances of abuse of executive power, but I'd have to think about it for a while.

3) Torture. Until you have sat here listening to these senators, you don't know what torture means.

this message sent by BlackBerry handheld at 11:37 am

Another Liberal Conspiracy

They have turned the clock off for Ted Kennedy. Thanks guys. I really thought you were on my side.

It does seem that Ted has slimmed down a lot. He cut out the jelly donuts.

this message sent via BlackBerry handheld at 11:28 am

Orrin Hatch

I'm on autopilot for this guy. All I have to do is agree while he continues to praise me.

What I'm really doing is thinking about Ted Kennedy, coming up next. I read this morning on the way in that he is now writing a 56-page children's book.

I didn't know he had ever written anything else.

Before I post, I have to say "stare decisis" again. Got it.

this message sent via BlackBerry handheld at 10:58 am


Leahy asks me about this spying case.

I answer: "The president must abide by the Fourth Amendment."

I know this worries some of my friends on the right. But don't worry. Here's the way it works:

The Fourth Amendment reads: ". . . no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation. . . &c"

But if you tap someone's phone WITHOUT GETTING A WARRANT, then you don't need to get probable cause. So there you have it.

Then he interrupts me when I'm giving my explanation about the strip search case. I'm beginning to think Dick Cheney was right when he told you to, well, you know..

this message sent via BlackBerry handheld at 10:14 am

Arlen Specter

Is such a one-topic senator.

He kept using the term "Super Stare Decisis." I know what's super, and I know what stare decisis is, but this guy is a broken record. Plus, I have no taste for JM Luttig, he lost his chance.

Oh god, he brought that chart out again. What does he do, store this in his basement?

Specter on the HHS case points out my biggest dilemma. Sometimes, executive power (in the form of a regulatory agency) comes into conflict with a pro-life law. When my two favorite themes come into conflict, presidential power wins.

Oh, god, he's rambling on about wiretaps. I'm not even going to answer. I'll just put the post up.

this message sent via BlackBerry handheld at 9:41 am

Monday, January 09, 2006

What a First Day

So happy to be back at the hotel room, resting the dogs, and putting back a glass of plain tap water after that exhausting day.

And no sooner do I get back then I find out from my buddy Howard that just last week saw a Federal Law get passed that will make it illegal to use the internet to annoy someone anonymously.

At first I thought I'd have to shut down this blog right when it's taking off. Then I realized three things:

1) No one could possibly find my blog annoying.

2) I am using my real name (The Right Honorable Samuel A. Alito, Jr.)

3) If it comes down to it, I can just find the law unconstitutional. So there.

Pracitce, Practice, Practice

So my opening joke, where a lawyer tells the Supreme Court that he "got here" by taking the B&O railroad, bombed, but Lindsay Graham bribed the transcriber to put down a [laughter] anyway.

I brought notes, but didn't use them (it makes me feel cozy just having them near), and noticed that most of the senators looked just as bored by me as I was by them.

Some of you may have wondered what I meant when I said that when I was at Princeton in 1968, I saw "very smart and privileged people behaving irresponsibly." Well, I don't want to hint at future decisions, but some of it had to do with opposing a war. I thought those kids were extremely irresponsible.

If any of you, by the way, are only $50 short of getting a suit to go to college in (I LONG for the days when people wore suits to college classes), don't come asking to me. My father already spent it.

this message sent via BlackBerry handheld at 3:41 pm

Christie Whitman is no better than Ted Kennedy

She just called me "President Alito." She's probably dumb enough to think that's a promotion.

Can't blog while I'm talking, so you'll have to wait a while to hear more.

this message sent via Blackberry handheld at 3:22 pm

Dick Durbin's Low Blow

Dick Durbin has shamelessly taken advantage of recent events, by citing a case in which I stated that a coal-refuse-dumping site did not have to abide by safety regulations as stated in the Mining Act. He didnt' mention that what I actually found is that a coal-refuse-dumping-site is not in fact a "mine" and therefore not covered by any regulatory statute.

I look forward to being able to claim that since a textile sweatshop is not a "factory" and since suspected terrorists are not "people," we can do with them as we please.

One more guy stroking my ego (I'm sorry, I'm forgetting their names, I'm tired) and then I get to talk. Breath mint time.

this message sent via BlackBerry handheld at 3:01 pm

Chuck Schumer is talking

So obviously I'm websurfing on my handheld. Favorite story - a Greenpeace whaling-protest boat crashed off the coast of Japan. Maybe it will leak oil.

this message sent via BlackBerry handheld at 2:37 pm

Yes I can blog like this

Luckily, I snuck in my BlackBerry, so I can write a post while the senators drone on. I have to come clean, this is an incredibly boring experience, made bearable only because of the sedative I had with breakfast.

Thoughts so far:

Yes, my daughter is a swimming champion, and yes she's cute, but she is underage, so you cannot ask her out Michael. I'm glad at least you were traditional enough to consult me.

The senators:

Specter (PA): Roe schmoe, you know we own you.

Kennedy (MA): You called me "Alley-Oto." After that I stopped paying attention.

Grassley (IA): I'm no doctor, but it sure sounds like you have throat cancer or something.

Biden (DE): You complain about my decisions and papers, but you know, at least I wrote them myself.

Kyl (AZ): God I wish I could quit you.

Kohl (WI): I know some coffee that can help you with that balding problem.

More later

this message sent via BlackBerry handheld at 1:43 pm

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Word of the Day - Stare Decisis

So just as people can interpret art to their own fancy, people can interpret today's word.

Many people see the painting at left ("Stare Night") and think it is a haunting expression of the beauty and pain of madness. Me, I think it's the scribbling of a nitwit who cut his ear off and sent it to a hooker.

Likewise, when you hear me say "Stare Decisis" today, you should remember that the democrats think I'm saying "Judges must abide by precedent, and stand by rulings that have been made in the past" (like Roe, Wesberry v. Sanders, and Marbury v. Madison).

What the republicans and my ardent supporters hear in addition is, "Of course, when you are on the Supreme Court, you can do whatever you damned well please." It is the judicial equivalent of calling "mooks" with your fingers crossed.


I am currently having breakfast with the president, and if you are reading this, you are most certainly not invited.

On the menu:

Bacon, eggs, sausage, toast, coffee.

Not shown:

The hearts and nether regions of the wailing souls at the ACLU and Planned Parenthood.

A Good Night's Sleep

I am going to sleep confident, relaxed, and ready for anything the pair of nitwits at left have ready for me.

My wife has left me a checklist for the morning. It is as follows:

1) Slightly more hair than I used to have. Check.

2) Overblown sense of my own importance. Check.

3) Nasty attitude towards Washington DC and everything it represents. Check.

Tomorrow it's breakfast with the president and on to the senate floor to do battle with bobo and tweedledee. I'm all for it.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

"Bear Left!" "Right, Frog"

So low and behold, just days before I get to appear before such fashon plates as Harry Reid and Chuck Schumer, the "Alliance for Justice" has put out a news release that I would like to "drive the Supreme Court sharply to the right."

As Kermit and Fozzie proved, above, you only want to Bear Left when you are two puppets trying to make it in Hollywood. When you are leading the country, you want to bear right when you come to a fork in the road.

Regarding evaluation from people who matter, the American Bar Association has given me its highest rating: "Well, qualified." Unfortunately, their opinion counts for squat. The only person they found "Not Qualified," Gregory F. Van Tatenhove of Kentucky, was confirmed anyway.

Monday, January 02, 2006

Born To Run

If the nominee is not qualified, talk about qualifications. If he is wrong on the law, talk about the law. If he is qualified and right on the law, make fun of his clothes.

In that vein, the New York Times is making a point of saying that I don't get manicures (true!) and don't wear the right color tie (false!). The money quote: "He will look like he is from New Jersey, because he is."

Someone else from New Jersey is at left. Let's make a compromise. My guys will let you put through "Bruce Springsteen Day," and you can confirm me.

Incidentally, it turns out that just after returning to blogging, Article III Groupie has been outsourced to Bangalore, and will be missing my hearings. So it looks like I'll have to pick up the slack, like I did when you went away before. By the way A3G, the Barneys Warehouse sale is in September, not August. They sell suits too, if you're ever in the market.

"Right Your Senator" Campaign

While you all know that I am far too intelligent to litter my blog with errors in grammar, I still want to honor my predecessor's spirit in my "Right your Senator" campaign. After all, many of you have a "Republican" senator who has nevertheless been discovered to be hopelessly wrong on issues of wiretapping, torture, or abortion. These people form a clear and present threat to my elevation.

In order to enter the campaign, simply identify the senator that needs righting, and send me an ad in any format to I will have Karl deliver the winning entries to the targeted senators personally, so long as he isn't under indictment.

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Back in the Saddle Again

Since I spend New Years with my loved ones, I didn't learn until this morning that everyone's favorite judicial starf*cker had been released from the secret detention facility where she has been kept for the past few months, and is now at it again, adding salacious detail to New York Times articles about which Justice is funniest. News flash -- sometime around January 20th, there will be a new Funniest Justice in town. I mean after all, look at poor Clarence Thomas's blog -- it's pretty pathetic.

Unauthorized file photo of Article 3 Groupie above came from the CIA minutes before the unfortunate waterboarding episode.