Monday, January 30, 2006

Dear Pathetic Mortals

Now that I am invested with unlimited lifetime power ("good behaviour" my ass) I am not sure how best to communicate with my public.

I am glad you have all visited, from the moment when I was afraid my name was merely being floated, through my early antics, and on to my current throne.

But I no longer need you.

From now on I will do and say exactly as I damned well please. I may write the occasional Alito Sez after a ruling, and I may not. I may answer your emails and comments, and I may not.

I am now, truly, for the first time in my life, MY OWN MAN.

Let's just see what kind of man that is.

Rhymes with "Souter"

Well, as it turns out, you have to have a pretty strong accent to make "cloture" rhyme with the name of the famed Benedictine (Arnold, that is) from the Granite State. But I'm feeling generous today.

Between the New York Times already interviewing the little people who made it all possible (and to whom, as of tomorrow, I owe absolutely nothing) and the man who once could have been my clerk stooping to discuss the sexual appeal of congressional staffers, the news surrounding my inevitable elevation to ultimate power has become cheap and tawdry.

I am quickly compiling a list of who I would like killed once I start to warm my seat. More forthcoming.

Friday, January 27, 2006

The Nerve!

Yesterday, my dastardly enemy, the dread John Kerry, announced that he and Ted Kennedy are supporting my nemesis, a certain Phil E. Buster.

I suppose I should be quaking in my boots, but I think my hero Jon Kyl is going to be able to bail me out of this one.

Plus, I know his real plan:

Try the filibuster, let the Republicans invoke the nuclear option. Then, after I'm confirmed and I make a series of unpopular rulings, he can run in 2008 as the only man who tried to stop me.

Plus he'll be able to reap the rewards of the "Theory of the Unitary Executive."

A plan so crazy, it just might work.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

How Did We Get Here?

As I prepare for my elevation, I am growing nostalgic.

Many have written this site and asked how it is, exactly, that Supreme Court nominations have become so political?

How is it that a process never before tainted by politics has become an opportunity for the Senate to carp and scheme over a nominees political and personal views?

Tomorrow, in what may be my farewell to blogging (at least as a "nominee"), I will write about the fateful day on which the Senate decided it could take political views of a nominee into account.

It was December 15, 1795. Many members of the senate, along with the president at the time (three guesses!) and the nominee himself were all members of the Continental Congress.

So to those of you who shout insufferable drivel such as "the founding fathers would never have approved of political criteria for confirmations" or "this was brought on by the Democrats' treatment of Robert Bork," please, please, go read a high school history textbook or something.

That's all for now.

I may look happy

But inside I'm steaming. Truth be told I hate these people almost more than I hate the Democrats, who while lilly-livered, at least made an effort. Now that I've had breakfast with them, I can confirm that McConnell is just your typical shitkicker from Tuscumbia, while Frist is a mean-spirited prick who spent his life cutting open hearts because he didn't have one himself.

Plus he wore a blue tie to a Republican breakfast. Jackass.

My favorite moment of the week was Arlen Spector holding up the anti-Souter protest sign: "STOP SOUTER or WOMEN will DIE" it read. I got a gas out of that. My supporters' best strategy is to say that maybe they are wrong about me too. Don't bet on it.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006


No, no, not anxiety over whether or not I'll get confirmed. Since my henchmen hold a majority, and the last group of people who could call in Phil E. Buster have given up, my elevation is a done deal.

Which leaves me anxious about what to do with this blog.

I know I'm not the first Supreme Court nominee to have a blog. But aside from a one-post blog started last year by Clarence, no sitting justice has a blog.

What will I do once I'm on the court? Continue with Alito Sez and explain my decisions to the internet? Describe how all the other justices dress at our exclusive parties?

And most important, who will be my Oyez Baseball player?

Answers, I need answers.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

I've got your back, Mel

Apparently Mel Gibson is having some sort of legal trouble. He's being sued because he's running a blog.

And who's filing this spurious lawsuit? MEL GIBSON HIMSELF.

Don't worry Mel. While in general I don't like sending signals on how I'm going to rule, when this case comes before The Court, you've got a friend in Sam.

. . . and I'm sittin' here on capitol hill

I remember when Phil used to listen to that inane song as a child, and just after the Bill comes out of committee it jumps in the air, because it knows that getting out of committee is the hardest step.

Well my hardest step couldn’t have gone better if it was scripted by ABC.

Now all we need to do is get rid of that evil interloper Phil E. Buster.

Coming Out Today

My despicable enemies shouldn’t get their hopes up. It’s not that kind of coming out. Today I’m coming out of committee along a "strict party-line vote." Senators don’t understand fun if even their party lines are strict.

In other news, my soon-to-be colleagues finally got one right. They threw out a case against Motorola brought by surviving relatives and widows of firefighters who died on 9/11 because of faulty Motorola radios.

Grieving widows: But SCOTUS, the firemen’s walkie-talkies don’t work.
US: Let them eat BlackBerries.

Monday, January 23, 2006


Forget the intemperate editorial lambasting me today in the "paper of record." Forget the implications of my elevation on the senate races in New Jersey and Pennsylvania, where Robert Casey Jr. (yes, that Casey) is running to unseat Rick Santorum.

The court bungled big-time today. They refused to hear BlackBerry's appeal of the outrageous decision levied against it by some petulant lower court.

I know I'm not the only one out there that uses this invaluable device to chat with friends, send email, or liveblog during boring meetings. If BlackBerry is shut off, we will all have to go back to work, and that would be a terrible thing indeed.

Friday, January 20, 2006

Drinking In the Daytime

I am moping about the fact that even when I am confirmed (as I am sure to be) I will not in fact be all-powerful. I would not, for example, have changed the outcome of the assisted suicide case, which was decided 6-3. Maybe my elevation is just going to make that Anthony Kennedy all the more liberal.

Speaking of Kennedy's, Ted has made clear he's going to vote against me. Big whup. Guess whose side I'm going to take in your upcoming paternity suit, Ted?

And to top it all off, my solicitations for one of the six one-day guest editing spots over at some other blog have apparently fallen on deaf ears. After all I did for that guy, too.

Bottoms up.