I'm worth 2.1 Million Dollars

Today I turned in my completed questionnaire (here is a 64-page PDF, don’t say you weren’t warned). It includes a financial statement disclosing that as a lifelong government employee, I have saved wisely enough to be worth $2.112 million.

I’m sure the jokesters will be making fun of the paper I published called "Racketeering Made Simple(r)," and the liberals will say I did all sorts of evil things, so let’s get it out of the way.
Yes, I argued that that Customs Department should be able to stop and search any boat at any time. I pleaded that the government be allowed to cut food stamp distributions without telling the recipients. I believe the Attorney General should have absolute immunity for authorizing warrantless wiretaps, and that the government should be able to regulate political discourse on public television.

But lefties, take hope.

Seton Hall has given me two awards. The first honored the spirit of Thomas More (yes, the rebel and martyr who wrote Utopia). The second was for "embracing the legacy of Peter Rodino." You remember him—he sponsored the Civil Rights Act and the Voting Rights Act. And he oversaw the Nixon impeachment.

So don’t go carping. I’m a pretty swell guy.

I know what "Ambit" means

The Los Angeles Times (gavel bang to Bashman) is reporting on a 1986 memo I wrote supporting the FBI's right to investigate Federal Employees as security threats and for the IRS to tape record conversations with taxpayers without telling them.

They report:

He cited a 1947 order issued by President Truman that gave the government broad power to check on the loyalty of its employees and to root out communists and subversives. "The plain language of that order clearly states that all federal employees fall within its ambit," Alito wrote.

And this is considered, somehow, "news." I mean, I have to be consistent. If I'm going to allow secret detentions and waterboarding, I have to allow the FBI and IRS to poke around with impunity, no?

The Court where I'd Rather Serve

I know that criminal trials, like state courts, are vaguely icky, but I still can't get over the fact that some no-name judge (Rizgar Mohammed Amin? he wasn't even on the short list) gets to preside in the Saddam Trial.

We have American guards taking him up the stairway, an American suit (from Sears, by the look of it) and an American defense attorney. I wonder if Saddam's folks know, by the way, that his lawyer's dad was in charge of detaining the Japs in WWII before becoming a Supreme Court Justice. He gets to be John Rocker in Oyez Baseball and everything.

Why not an American Judge?

I don't have much to do between now and January 9. I'd be happy to head east and preside over a show trial; I'd certainly start by telling Saddam he shouldn't be keeping blog.

At least the courtoom in Baghad isn't falling apart.

A Holiday Message

The boys in the briefing room told me that we have to take a few days off so that they can eat Turkey.

I was sort of surprised they were taking on such a task, particularly given public opinion of their current meal.

But then again, I'm just a judge, and don't have much say in foreign affairs. I do remember, perhaps better than the rest of them do, how well the Greeks fared in this effort.

In any event, it looks like I have a few days off. Ciao ciao!

Advice from a Federal Judge

When your last name is Borden, try to avoid murdering your parents. It could make you the butt of jokes and bad poems.


Like this one:




Kara Borden, with her lad
Shot her mom and killed her dad

When they found that both were dead
They headed West and planned to wed.

Good Vibrations

So apparently, just because I have always ruled in favor of the government in any case involving detention, some of my many belligerent critics (and doesn't the name "Armando" sound vaguely foreign to anyone else?) think that I'll support the administration in its efforts to engage in "Waterboarding."

They are absolutely right.

I don't see why people can't engage in whatever sports they want in their free time. My son got into "Snowboarding" in college, and even though I was against it, I let him do it. Plus, back in 1972, I listened to my fair share of the Beach Boys. I particularly liked "Help Me Rhonda."

Alito Sez -- A Regular Feature

Now that the ugliness of last week is behind us, let me proceed to our first installation of "Alito Sez," a regular feature of this blog. While I know many of you are eager to hear what I think about abortion or detention, today instead I will be discussing the issue of wrongful termination over a first amendment issue: Shelton v. University of Medicine and Dentistry.

It’s true that at the end of the day I agreed that Ms. Shelton’s termination was legal, but employers should note: Ms. Shelton's actions threatened the lives of her patients (she refused to perform operations that she believed were abortions, when they were non-elective measures being taken to save women’s lives in a clinic that did not, in fact, perform elective abortions). Even so, she was given the option to sit out the surgeries as a general rule, and was only offered transfer after two separate women's lives were jeopardized by her refusal to scrub in. At that point, she was still offered transfer to another unit, and she was only terminated when she refused the accommodation. If you read her "letter" explainaing her views, it's further clear that she is, in legal jargon, a "crackpot."

So if you reading this, for example, are an employer thinking of firing an employee for something he has written, said, or done, think first about whether he (or she) caused the kind of life-threatening danger that Ms. Shelton did, and whether you have bent over backwards to accommodate him like the clinic did. This is of particular importance if you are a public employer.

So be very careful. I may be the judge hearing the case when it comes. Or the Justice.

I told you I would ace the Danny Boggs Quiz

If William Beutler married Andrea Yates (and changed his name), he would be:

William Beutler Yates

This is what I think about on weekends.

Sam.

I told you I wasn't talking about last week anymore.

No Girls at Princeton

So some twerp at the Daily Princetonian has discovered that I joined a group which had hoped, among other things, to end coeducation at Princeton.

Well why would I want them there? When I was at Princeton, I was a nerd and girls didn't talk to me. So screw them.

Not only that, but coeducation caused Princeton to change the words to the Best College Song (eat your heart out Cole Porter):

Three cheers for Old Nassau my boys,
Hurrah! Hurrah! Hurrah!
Our sons shall give while they shall live,
Three cheers for Old Nassau.

Now it's "Our hearts" that are giving. Princeton can't build an endowment with our hearts, folks. They need the money from our sons. Plus even when they write about changing the lyrics, they never mention that we used to sing "my boys."

Couldn't they at least teach the controversy?

Look at Me(y) I'm Sandra Day

I've been thinking that however hard the last month was for Harriet, and however hard these past two weeks (particularly Tuesday) have been for me, the person who has suffered the most is the delightful and wise Sandy O'Connor.

This woman wants nothing more than to go back to Arizona, where she can look after her ailing husband John (perhaps in the idyllic town of Iron Springs, outside of Prescott, where she used to read the Declaration of Independence outside the Pavillion every Fourth of July).

I discovered recently that on Oyez Baseball (where every Justice in history is linked to a baseball player) Sandy is paired with Jackie Robinson (Thurgood Marshall is Emmet Ashford, natch). The entry on O'Connor/Robinson reads:

Both O'Connor and Robinson broke down the barriers to big league stadiums. O'Connor was the first woman on the Court; Robinson was the first black player in the major leagues. The similarities end here. Robinson went on to star in the movie, "The Jackie Robinson Story." His life was celebrated in a Broadway musical, "The First." There is little likelihood that Justice O'Connor will star in the movies or be memorialized in musical theater.

As a musical theatre fan, I disagree with this last bit, and as a potential justice, I'm looking for my shot.

So:
1) Who will play Justice O'Connor in the musical?
2) Who will be my Oyez Baseball player and why?

The winner will get a glossy 8x10 of me, signed by Patrick J. Fitzgerald. You can leave in comments or email samuelalito@yahoo.com.

UPDATE: Yes, I know she is going to be the "Chancellor" of William and Mary. It's a ceremonial post that Henry Kissenger has been doing for years without visiting the campus much. The people in Arizona sure expect her there.

DOUBLE-UPDATE: She will be teaching at the Univeristy of Arizona in February. All the more proof that the W&M job is ceremonial.

The R.H.S.A.A. and the Goblet of Fire

So the various evil forces aligned to conspire against me have given up on trying to claim that I shouldn't be elevated because I failed to recuse myself from a case when I promised I would, because I'm against abortion and affirmative action, or because I favor unlimited power of detention for the government.

What they are trying instead, it appears, is to call me a nerd. Apparently because I did my homework and obeyed my parents as a kid, I'm not enough of a rebel to be on the Supreme Court.

Well there are some pretty successful nerds in history. The kid at left, for example, who has a THIRD FOURTH movie about him coming out today. Yeah, I wasn't cool enough to be in an eating club at Princeton. But little do they know that I bickered Hogwarts.

Chuck Schumer on the floor of the senate: "Anyone who thinks that this nomination is a foregone conclusion is sadly mistaken." News for Chuck: the NOMINATION has already taken place. Say what you will about my CONFIRMATION, at least I'm nerd enough to speak the language properly.

What You'll all be Missing

Since some people seem to have no sense of humor or imagination, I will not be providing the posts I was planning for the rest of this week.

It's too bad, because you would have all been treated to an exciting dramatic escapade: while A3G's tribulations as a terror suspect in a Secret CIA prison were going to only get worse (the waterboarding post was particularly good), Mr. Lat, though chased by an overzealous enemy was going to go on to fame and fortune. Frankly, that's how I hope it works out in real life anyway.

The whole thing was to be narrated (with doctored pictures, references to Alito decisions, and musical numbers) by yours truly, The Right Honorable Samuel A. Alito, Jr.

As it stands, I'm taking a few days off. I'll return on Monday with "Alito Seyz" -- a regular feature in which I (The Right Honorable Samuel A. Alito, Jr.) discuss current events through the lens of my past decisions.

A Terrific Misunderstanding

Ladies and Gentlemen, this has gotten out of hand.

This site does not bear any relation to Article III Groupie, David Lat, or (for those of you who really need it explained) Samuel Alito.

This site is a parody and a fiction.

Saying things like "I have reached Article III Groupie" or "I have received contact from Dave" are part of the joke.

I have been notified that some people do not get the joke, and I am no longer going to comment on the "A3G" controversy.

One would think that pretending that a fictional character was being put in a CIA Secret Prison would be clear enough to demonstrate the site is fiction, but some people (they appear mainly to be lawyers) have a limited grasp of the potential for art.

Anyone needing any confirmation on who is or is not creating this site can email me at samuelalito@yahoo.com

Say It Ain't So

The New Yorker (from whom I stole the cartoon at left) is reporting that my first choice for clerk and best fan, the judicial starf**ker Article 3 Groupie, is in fact the fictional creation of a sweet and somewhat dorky looking guy in New Jersey named David Lat.

In case you are wondering why I can no longer link to her site, it's because the Department of Justice has already taken it down by force.

Don't worry "D3L" (as you now will be known to us), when I am elevated to the court, I will certainly support an anonymous blogger shield law, similar to the one that far less savory characters have pleaded for.

As far as David himself, don't worry. The US Attorney's office in Newark might not be the same thing as clerking for the Supremes, but plenty of people have gone on to great things from there.

For those of you interested in the write-in and call-in campaign to "Free Underneath their Robes and Protect the First Amendment," the US Attorney's office in Newark can be contacted as follows:


U.S. Attorney's Office
Peter W. Rodino, Jr. Federal Building
970 Broad Street, 7th Floor
Newark, NJ 07102
973-645-2700

Today's Big News

I know, I know, you think it's a big deal that there's an article in some rag allegedly proving that I really am against abortion. Well it's nothing my mother didn't tell you two weeks ago.

No, the real news today is that I have a stalker. Obsessive loner poet TJ Cole (using the sinister pseudonym "T. J. Colatrella") has been sending angry emails to me (and the Senate, and Charlie Rose, etc.). He claims I covered up for some drunk cop that hit him in a car accident fifteen years ago. Like I can remember every crook I've ever cut a deal with.

Now he's started issuing the real (if convoluted) threats:

Sam; I just want you too know my cousin is Peter Alvino..from West Caldwell, NJ
AG..but you chose to cover for a drunk scum bag cop and my Mom is taking care of his Dad Al Alvino since my aunt Angie passed away recently..Small world ain't it..TJ Colatrella Go have fun playing Judge...

Just wanted to have it out there. In case I get gunned down between the MotorLodge and the Safeway, you've got someone ready to question.

Learning from Libya

Some international griping about the way Libya deals with terrorists.

Among other things, apparently the people who defended these nurses were incompetent.

If I may quote myself on the subject (from Rompilla v. Horn):

{W}hile we may hope for the day when every criminal defendant receives that level of representation, that is more than the Sixth Amendment demands.

I look forward to having a more important say in the matter.

The Vanguard Case

Okay, so some goofballs in the media (and not a few commentors on this site) have been bringing up the 2002 case involving Vanguard Mutual funds, in which I didn't recuse myself even though I promised the senate I would.

So first of all, as you can see from the chart, I had already more than tripled my money in this fund, and it was ON THE WAY DOWN when I heard the case. So clearly I didn't make any profit.

Secondly, so I went back on my word to the US Congress. Big Whoop. No one cares.

Thirdly (note that it is "first," "secondly," and "thirdly," -- there is no such word as "firstly"), it's not like Vanguard was being sued. The Vanguard fund was the prize money in a dispute between husband and wife. I, of course, found for the husband. I think I have to cite another play (this time Tennessee Williams) to make a point:

Now listen. Did you ever hear of the Napoleonic code, Stella?...Now just let me enlighten you on a point or two...Now we got here in the state of Louisiana what's known as the Napoleonic code. You see, now according to that, what belongs to the wife belongs to the husband also, and vice versa...It looks to me like you've been swindled, baby. And when you get swindled under Napoleonic code, I get swindled too and I don't like to get swindled...Where's the money if the place was sold?

-Stanley Kowalski, A Streetcar Named Desire

I will always rule in Marlon Brando's favor.

Griping about the Senate

So my friends in the GOP have been calling me all day telling me how I'm supposed to help them out of their funk after they lost their erections yesterday. I told them I don't swing that way.

After all, these senators already stole the song I wrote and passed it off as their own.

Did they give me a cent? A credit? Nothing at all.

All this reminds me of another of Sandy's decisions I can't wait to overturn.

UPDATE: Apparently what they lost were actually "elections." I'm a judge; I've never heard of these things.

International Roundup

Today in Australia, the police have arrested sixteen terror suspects.

Tomorrow the British Parliament will be voting to allow the police to detain terror suspects for 90 days without charge.

Silly Australians.

Silly British.

You don't need to announce it when you arrest terror suspects. You don't need a law to keep them in jail for as long as you want. You just leave it to me.

Sheesh. When will you ever learn?

Washington Cons

While I’m pretty juiced about capital punishment, I am not as excited about moving to our national capitol (but I’ll go if the job forces me to).

For one thing, the food in Washington is terrible compared to Philadelphia.

But more importantly, you have the Worst Team in Baseball.

After years with the Philadelphia Phillies, it's hard to believe my future local team:

1) Pays the Worst Player in Baseball 4.2 MILLION DOLLARS!
2) Collapsed down the stretch in a pennant race
3) Abandoned their only true fan from Montreal:

Yes, the only thing worth celebrating about the Expos was that adorable whosiwhatzit, Youppi. He even gave the Phanatic a run for his money. Now he works for a hockey team.

Pathetic.

With Friends Like These

I expect it when members of the left-wing conspiracy complain about me.

But Evangelicals and Fanatic Conservatives are supposed to be my friends. They aren't getting behind me, and nationwide, I'm now polling behind Harriet Miers.

The dingbats at Progress for America continue to run their site JusticeMiers.com, but JusticeAlito.com is still for sale -- I hope some rich liberal doesn't buy it and use it to insult me.

Don't these people know I'm against abortion?

Don't they know I'm pro-police?

What more do they want from me?

Grumbling about NPR

Of course, of course.

Like many others, I have my problems with National Public Radio.

But my problems are personal.

Here I thought getting a SCOTUS nomination would finally allow me to get a limerick read on my favorite NPR show, "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me." I submitted a limerick, and tried to flatter the folks on the show with my knowledge that the host, Peter Sagal, secretly aspires to be a playwright.

Did I get my limerick read? Did I get Carl Kassel's voice on my answering machine?

No.

When they talked about me, they said that "a right-wing blogger" had coined the phrase "The A stands for awesome."

They didn't even say it was me. They called me "Right-Wing" when everyone knows I'm a moderate.

Drat. Curses.

A Poem for Friday

As noted by many observers, especially, my first choice for clerk, I am not the rabid ideologue that many make me out to be. I even have a pretty good sense of humor.

So I'm writing a poem for Friday in my own defense:

No! I am not Scalito, nor was meant to be;
Am an attendant lord, one that will do
To swell a progress, start a scene or two,
Advise the prince; no doubt, an easy tool,
Deferential, glad to be of use,

Politic, cautious, and meticulous;
Full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse;
At times, indeed, almost ridiculous—
Almost, at times, the Fool.


I, incidentally would ACE the Danny Boggs Quiz.

The Big Time

I received the following email today:

To Whom It May Concern:

The United States Library of Congress has selected your Web site for inclusion in the historic collection of Internet materials related to the Supreme Court, and we request your permission to collect and display your Web site.

The Library of Congress preserves the Nation's cultural artifacts and provides enduring access to them. The Library's traditional functions, acquiring, cataloging, preserving and serving collection materials of historical importance to the Congress and the American people to foster education and scholarship, extend to digital materials, including Web sites.

The following URL has been selected:

samuelalito.blogspot.com

Wow.

I bet Mike Luttig's blog isn't in the Library of Congress.

The Juice

As noted in America's Greatest News Source, my local coffee house loves me so much, they have named a blend of coffee after me (and yes, it's available online)

As an anonymous commenter mentioned in response to an earlier post, I not only have more hair, but look thinner and fitter than I have in years.

I haven't been working out. There is no botox. It's all the coffee.

It comes from a special "brewery" in Califorina, and they tell me it's going to make me excel at my job, just like it has all of my heros.

The Strip-Search Case

Some of you may have heard the rantings from my many critics that, just because I once said it was okay for a particular police officer to strip-search a particular 10-year old girl, that I am in favor of strip-searching all 10-year old girls.
Obviously, because of my religious background, I do not in fact believe this. What I do believe in is strip-mining ten year-old girls.
Many precious elements, particularly manganese and antimony, are rare in nature but readily available in the teeth and bones of these girls. I heartily encourage our top industrialists to find a way to mine these girls for their precious elements.

Long As God Can Grow It

Those of you paying any attention whatsoever will have noticed by now that on the day I was annnounced as the nominee, my hair was a mite fuller than it had been in other recent photographs (such as my profile picture).

You also may have noticed that none of the usual suspects have made any comment at all about it.

That's because no one ever makes fun of men's hair.

Those of you out there bemoaning the fact that Bush didn't nominate another woman should think about how women in the public eye get made fun of for their eye makeup, hair, and clothes.

So you get a guy in a dark suit and a blue tie. With a little more hair than he used to have. Choke on it.

Thanks Mom

Your parents never lose their power to embarrass you. When my mom spoke to the Daily News yesterday, it made me feel just like when she was trying to shuffle into Foxcroft with me on my first day at Andover.

I know, I know, there are rumors out there that I went to a perfectly ordinary High School in New Jersey. Well dammit, anyone can go to Princeton and Yale, but you have to be a real someone to start off at a place that evereyone knows is the country's top boarding school (Exeter can kiss my Italian ass).

Anyway, thanks mom for almost blowing this thing before it even got started. I'll remember you, between games of Stickball in my new nabe.

UPDATE: As reported by my biggest fan, even though my mother has been acting dopey, at least my sister is a super-class act. Thanks as always A3G. And I know I didn't really go to Andover, but George did, and I want to be as much like him as I can.

That Was Fun

Last night was tons of fun, with treats from my friends, and a minimal number of Tricks from my enemies.

More importantly, I'm worried. As you know, I love musicals. I've been informed that up in New York, they are currently holding auditions to turn one of my favorite films into a Broadway Show.

I hope they don't screw it up. Maybe they can cast A3G to be certain it's a hit.